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quick update

Posted on 2009.03.04 at 10:53
Current Location: Citrus library
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Ray and I are through. Been done. Since October.
It's hard to talk about.
But since Christmas, I've been kinda talking to this guy named Lee.
He's my new best friend Tish's twin brother.....
Ahhh there's too much to say, I haven't written in here in months :o(
I'll try to remember when I get home.

but all I have to say is, I miss Lee a lot and just last saw him a couple hours ago. ha.

Posted on 2008.07.31 at 22:52
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails-"We're In This Together Now"

written on July 28 around midnight


How to begin......?

When I turned 18 last year, I was so enthusiastic about starting my life. I had so much ambition.....I used to have so much confidence back then, I knew what I wanted, and how I had to get it. And post-high school graduation life was cool and all...I moved in back in with my mother, I had a guy who I cared about, I was surrounded with all my friends and family, I had a job, I was excited to go back to school in the spring.

But when the new year started, I suddenly lost that drive to succeed. It finally hit me that this guy I had started to develop really deep feelings for once was really out of my life. Gone, without a trace, no contact at all, and I realized how much I missed him. I still had all of my best friends, but some of them drifted away....I became a recluse, disconnected myself from everyone......became depressed again. I quit my job because it was too much of a hassle to go back and forth from Pomona to Arcadia five, six days out of the way (especially since I didn't have a car). When I started college in February, I was excited, I thought that it would take my mind off of things. It did for a while, but dark thoughts still lingered in the back of mind, and they slowly began to rot there. I found out some secrets that my friends were keeping from me, and it really distorted my view on trust and honesty in my friendships with them. In May, I dropped out and I had no motivation to do anything at all. All I did was stay up all night long and sleep all day. It was a vicious cycle, and it brought me down even more. I still had my dreams of having a career in music, but I didn't know how to get myself back up again.

I'm 19 now. It's been over a year now since I've graduated. I have nothing to show for myself so far. It kind of saddens me, but I'm confident enough to say that I'm not depressed anymore. This past year so far, I found that I need to become more independent, I've rebuilt relationships, met new, awesome people, and now I know who to keep in my life and who shouldn't be a part of it (If you know me well, you know that I am a very loyal friend, and I love my friends and family), and I've learned that THINGS WON'T HAPPEN IF YOU DON'T TRY TO MAKE THEM HAPPEN.

I've also learned that the unexpected could happen. Some of you might have seen my bulletins about me being stabbed. Yes, last night at my kickback, there was some unnecessary drama, people were fighting, and I was trying to stop them. I was getting in between them and trying to push them away. Once things had died down a little bit, I realized that I was bleeding. Someone had a knife during the fights and I was unintentionally slashed on the left side of my chest. I was in shock, my friend helped me into the bathroom and when we looked down my dress (the pretty polka dot dress I'm wearing in my default picture) my chest was streaked with blood and I saw how bad the gash was. That's when I started freaking out and going hysterical, and my best friend Jasmine led me out of my house into the front yard. The cops and ambulances had gotten by now, I was bawling and I just collapsed to the ground.

Next thing you know, my cut is being bandaged, there are cops hovering above me, asking questions, and then I'm strapped to a stretcher and being loaded into an ambulance. I see my good friend Andrew already inside, also on a stretcher, his neck bleeding in a brace. I'm just laying there, wanting to urinate so badly and I couldn't, just staring up into the bright lights of the ambulance and hearing the siren go off as the car is running...the EMTs telling Andrew and I that we were going to be transported to USC Medical Center in a helicopter...being loaded into the helicopter.....me just saying to myself, "Why is this happening to me?" and sobbing continuously. I was so delirious and in shock, the whole time I was in the helicopter I was thinking that I was going to be suicidal, that I was going to come out of this situation a shell of a person. I was full of sadness, anger, and pessimism.

When we got to USC, I had to wait about an hour and a half until a doctor came to sow me back up. They kept sedating me, asking me questions, giving me medicine to numb the pain from my injury.....I just wanted to get the hell out of there. My mom and Jasmine were the only ones allowed to come where I was at in ER, and Jasmine started bawling when she saw my bedsheets and hospital gown soaked in my own blood. Every time a nurse came to check on my wound I told them to look away....shit, I couldn't even look at it, it was horrible. When two doctors finally took me into a room to stitch me up, they numbed me with novocaine and it took them about two hours. I left the hospital at 4:30 a.m., heavily medicated and still an emotional mess, but when I got home I didn't sleep. I just laid there on the floor in a room, thinking.

But today, a lot my friends came back to my house to make sure that I was okay. They saw me being taken away in an ambulance, that must have scared the shit of them. They hung out with me at my house, shit, even Pablo brought me flowers. My family was here for me too. It made me realize that I am loved, people do care about me, and it raised my mood significantly.

So now I'm good. I'm optimistic about everything now. Fuck it, shit happens. My kickback was fucking badass until all that bs happened, and I will cherish that memory. All of my friends and family were here to celebrate me living another year of my life. I'm fucking 19 years old. It's so surreal, next year I'll be 20, and after that 21......life is constantly shaking me into reality. But I am gonna get my shit together, I'm registering for another semester at Citrus and I plan to stay there the whole semester this time, and I'm GOING to find a fucking job, I'm going to take whatever I can get right now. I need to help my family out with financial shit, I need to become more independent, I want a new guitar and a half stack and a professional digital camera for my blossoming hobby in photograpy...I need to save up a car and start studying for my license. I AM GOING TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE AND START LIVING MY LIFE TO IT'S FULL POTENTIAL.

I'm not a fucking kid anymore, but I'm not old either I need to learn how balance living my life in a youthful way, but also be mature and take responsibility for shit. I wanted to cry so bad when I watched Jesse Lacey (lead singer of Brand New just in case ya'll don't know) play "Soco Amaretto Lime" last Sunday, that song is a musical toast of decadence for me. I still want to make music my career, it's what I breathe, I can't do nothing else...NOTHING ELSE. I took a video, so here it is.......

(other videos from the show can be found here: http://youtube.com/user/hellohero15)




Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous...

kickback beverages

Posted on 2008.07.14 at 21:50
Current Location: home, watching "Young Frankenstein" with my fambam
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic

-Four 30 packs; 2 Bud Light and 2 Miller Genuine Draft
-Jose Cuervo + margarita mix
-Captain Morgan and coke
-Bacardi Limon and iced tea
-Long island iced tea

Those are just some of my favorite drinks, anyone else who wants different can buy their own shit!!

I don't know how I'm going to get all this. Probably gonna have to ask for contributions from some of my friends and my parents. Argh.

My birthday is in two weeks, and I'm planning on having my kickback on the 26th, which is NEXT WEEKEND.....fuck. It's gonna be crazy. But I can't wait.





Eddie got me a ticket to see Jimmy Eat World at the Avalon this Saturday. So very excited for that. It's going to be my third time seeing JEW!!

Then the next day is Download Festival....of course I'm most excited to see BRAND NEW (fifth time!)....I'm also excited to see Ghostland Observatory, Vedera, and Mates Of State (<--it'll be my third time seeing them) again, and to see Gang Of Four and Yeasayer for the first time. AHH! I got in for free, cause I'm doing street team work for Island again. All I gots to do is pass out stickers and flyers after the show and take pictures. Pretty damn awesome. I have an extra ticket, and I'm not sure who to give it to yet.......


Then the next day on Monday is Jesse Lacey's solo acoustic show with Kevin Devine. I can't believe it. It's going to be hectic next week, but fun. These shows, planning for the kickback n shit.....oh, and Raymond's coming over next Wednesday too :o) :o) :o)

fafa fa fa, fafa fa faaaaaaaaa

Posted on 2008.06.17 at 15:16
Current Location: home
Current Mood: hothot
Current Music: Talking Heads-"Psycho Killer"

Still stuck.
Still unemployed.
Still alone.
So so lonelyy.





Hopefully I find some cash for Warped Tour...it's this fucking Friday, and I haven't gotten a ticket yet.


And I'm not "confused" anymore. I'm just....indecisive. Wait, it sounds like I'm contradicting myself. I would go more into detail, but I'm fucking STARVING, I need to make something to eat....but it's hot as hell....and cooking creates heat....and I have no cigarettes....but for some reason, that's okay (at the moment)....

I just want a cold bottle of wine!

Preferably, moscato. I haven't had that in a long time and it's muy bueno.

WAKE UP WAKE UP! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!

Posted on 2008.05.25 at 13:37
Current Location: home
Current Mood: crappycrappy
Current Music: The Beatles-"Come Together"

I have a craving for my two only vices: COFFEE AND CIGARETTES.

I'm sorely tempted to go walk to the 7-11 down the street and buy myself a pack and a Starbucks frappacino with that stupid credit card I managed to get. I'm also tempted to just lay down, go to sleep, and dream about the life I wished I had.

I know I'm just PMS'g right now....the reason why I'm in a more crappier mood than usual...tis the end of the month. But still. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of depression here.

"walking heavily on delicate ground",
days just pass by so quickly now
Everything is meaningless
I have no purpose
All I do is sleep..................
Everything when my eyes are open, I'm not fully conscious....
I'm stuck in a Dreamland.....
When the fuck am I going to wake up...........





Someone shake me out of this comatose state!





Umm. What else.

Last week, I decided to check on Brand New's website, and I found out that Jesse Lacey is doing another acoustic tour with Kevin Devine...and one of the dates was in LA, at the Roxy. Luckily, the tickets were only 13 bucks each (18.50 including tax) so there wasn't a problem buying em, I got them on Thursday, when they went onsale. Chi also gave me money for her ticket, so she's coming with me. I'm terribly excited to see Jesse Lacey solo in such a small club....I want to be there early so I can be front fuckin row. The show is on July 21, a week before my birthday. Oh, yesterday I also found out that BRAND NEW is playing the Download Festival in LA the day before....the only other bands on the bill so far are Atmosphere, Mute Math, and Ghostland Observatory (<--who I definitely wouldn't mind seeing again, they're tight as fuck live). I hope tickets won't cost more than 30, 35.....

Which brings me to my next problem.....I still don't have a fucking job. My friend Brian, who I met through Drena's friends (and now are my friends as well) Pablo and Jay, works at the Starbucks right down the street.....he told me I should apply cause Starbucks is "always hiring" and that I could put him down as a reference. He's pretty cool. I tease him cause he looks almost exactly like Jesse Lacey....not even kidding....they both just have a different nose. He's a dork, but he's also kinda cute....I don't know....:oD I really need to go job hunting this week though......I haven't really yet, because I've been so unmotivated...I'm starting to hate that word...MOTIVATION.....

I went to the Eisley show last weekend with Rudy. They were really good. I love them. They all looked like they were having so much fun onstage....Sherri was rocking out the hardest. And their voices were flawless. They're all so talented. Like how I always say, just looking at these girls rocking it out in bands makes me want to do it, I need to stop making excuses and try to make my own music....then I can try to find other people to work with.

Umm my hair is red and blonde now. You can see how red it is in the sunlight, cause some parts of my hair are still darker, but it's all red....next week, I'll redye it so those parts can be more brighter...I really love the shade of red I got. It's what I wanted. And my hair is getting long, but I know I have to cut off an inch of dead/split ends...I need to go get a cheap trim.

I'm not mad at Ashley anymore....she wrote me a message on myspace after my mom called her and talked to her (I didn't tell my mom to do that). She's utterly convinced that the problems we have are because she has a car, and that she has "communication problems" and no one's ever going to help her out with it, so she has this nonchalant attitude about it. Ohh well. We don't hang out a lot like we used to....but we still call to see how each other is doing....she only barely hung out with me after my 3 weeks of silence a couple days ago, when Pablo, Jay, and Brian were over my house. I don't know. It's not awkward, but I don't feel like trying with her anymore if she has this "oh well" attitude about everything, that's really frustrating to me. Last night, her boyfriend posted a bulletin on myspace saying that he didn't need anyone, no one at all, and I went to his page and saw that he took the picture of Ashley off and he's now single. They must've had a tiff. She told me in her message that she and Matt were already having problems....hmm...must be the fact that he dropped out of school, has no job, and Ashley has to spend gas money just to go out and see him in Montebello (basically East LA) from Pomona. Tsk tsk.

Okay, I'm definitely rambling now....but I feel better. Kinda. I think the trip to 7-11 is now mandatory....I need to clean up my room. And I don't know...I need some caffeine....


meeting new people

Posted on 2008.05.15 at 00:44
Current Location: home
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Incubus-"The Warmth"

I've made a few new friends this past week. It's actually quite refreshing.
And somebody has caught my eye....uh huh.

Eisley is playing at the Glasshouse this Saturday.....I have to go!! Seeing them live would make me so happy. And those girls are such an inspiration to me, I love their music.

I'm supposed to go to my mom's gay friend's birthday party in Malibu on Saturday too....sounds fun.

Ugh the alcohol is out of my system and now I have a headache! Baaahh.

While I waited, I was wasting away

Posted on 2008.05.08 at 19:25
Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: The Who-Love, Reign O'er Me

I've decided that I'm dropping out of school. I know, I'm such a quitter. Maybe it's not time for me to try to do all this. But I'm thinking, once I get a job, I'll save up to pay for tuition at either the Musician's Institute or the Art Institute in LA.....and I'm pretty sure my dad and Grammy would help pay for at least half of it. Start school in the fall.

It's been a week and two days since I've talked to Ashley. She says she doesn't know why I'm mad at her. She's just playing dumb. Oh well. If she doesn't care enough to try to call me and find out, maybe I don't need her in my life.

I tried calling Viviana today, I want to talk to her...I think she should stay with me this summer and try to find a job out here too, and maybe once we save enough money we can both move out and roommate somewhere in Pasadena. I think that would be awesome. I really, really need to get my permit. I don't know why I'm such a fucking lagger. And it's been too cold to walk around and look for jobs in my area (I noticed there are a lot of places where I can apply at), so I'll wait til the weather is right. It was overcast today and yesterday it rained.

Michael still calls me....he just wants to hook up. It's annoying, and I'm a little offended, but I realize that I don't really want to be in a relationship with him either.....or maybe my emo ass is just refusing anyone else to enter my mind but HIM....but still. Yeah. I want to bone too :oD Hahah. :o(

I'm cold, inside and out

Posted on 2008.05.06 at 20:20
Current Location: home
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Radiohead-"Where I End You Begin"


I can't think again. Not ever again.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying no to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

False Alarm

Posted on 2008.05.04 at 14:56
Current Location: home
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Black Dahlia Murder-"I'm Charming"

In a way I'm so relieved,
but then I'm also extremely disappointed.
I want to see him again, but then I don't.
I need to make my mind....
But there's no pressure to make a decision right away.

Oh no.

Posted on 2008.05.01 at 15:43
Current Location: home
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Thrice-"Come All You Weary"

I've been dying to know where exactly have you been........
And today I recieved some news
on your current whereabouts
You're working.
That makes me happy.
You're working....in Monrovia...
Wow, that's unexpected.....I thought it would be near where you live...
Unless you moved....
So many things I don't know about you
The last time I saw/talked to you was in October
How my heart yearned for you....it came as such a surprise
I didn't know I loved you that much
Eventually, I learned to put that ache aside. To ignore it.
I wasn't supposed to let anyone affect me in that way
It wasn't supposed to be "serious"
But that's how it ended up....at least, my feelings became serious
and you drifted away from me...so suddenly.
I'm trying to shove those feelings away right now,
but I'm obviously not trying hard enough.
The thoughts in my head of you
are lingering in the back of my eyes
threatening to bleed out
in the form of teardrops.

Say I were to go to your job right now
walk in,
see you working the cash register.
You look up and see me.
Three things can happen.

Scenario One
You would say hi. I would say hi.
Exchange some sort of unmeaningful banter
to cover up the awkwardness of the situation
And then one of us would say,
"Alright. It was nice seeing you. Keep in touch?"
Although we both know we wouldn't.....

Scenario Two
Again, we would greet
But I would muster up the courage to ask,
"Well you're working right now so we really can't catch up.
You wanna go out to eat later tonight? If you're avaliable."
Hopefully you would say yes.
And we'd go out to dinner,
talk about things that have been going on in our lives.
That isn't too bad, right?
But here's the scary part. For me.
I'm scared.....to hear if you've experienced any pain
(One of the last conversations we had, you had told me
you were depressed.)
I'm scared...to hear if you've loved someone else during our time apart
I'm scared...to hear if you ARE with someone right now.
I'm scared....to hear if you never really cared for me,
if those "I love you"s never meant shit
I'm scared....to hear another "I love you" from your mouth,
because that means I would have to say it back.
And I'd be scared to....but I'd mean it.
For once, I'm scared of confrontation.

Scenario Three
This is the worst one in my head:
if you saw me,
and you didn't say a word at all.
You pretended you didn't see me, and you would ignore me.
That's what would kill me.




I'm not going to go to your job anytime soon
Really.
But just knowing,
that you're alive and being productive
makes me so happy.
I hope you're happy.



I loved you, and I hate to admit that I still do.


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